Vanilla Lullaby
by xRyux
Summary: Yaoi. Songfic. Life had become unbearable. Life without him wasn't life at all. Just a black cloud that hug over him amongst the feilds of vanllia. The song of the Phoenix he begins to sing, the haunting tune of the Vanilla Lullaby.


-Vanilla Lullaby-

I sat staring into the crackling fire in front of me, a single tear running down my face. Ever since Kai had left me, life had become pointless. I used to live for him, we used to live for each other, but now, only one of us lived. I felt so alone.

_I can't run anymore_

_I fall before you,_

_Here I am, _

_I have nothing left_

_Though I've tried to forget_

_You're all that I am _

_Take me home_

_I'm through fighting it_

That was right. I was through fighting it. I had told myself a hundred times before to forget him. But he had clung onto me tightly, and it was so hard to let him go. He was my life; he helped me when things were tough, and now what? What was I to do without him? I was losing myself. I had already lost my 'life', my soul; the only thing holding me back in this world is my body, my empty shell of sadness and hate.

_Broken_

_Lifeless_

_I give up _

_You're my only strength_

_Without you_

_I can't go on_

_Anymore_

_Ever again_

Our lives were perfect before he left. Everything. Just he holding my hand was enough to tell me he loved me. Then when he kissed me, I knew. I knew he was my only, and no matter what, I would never let him go. He was everything. He was my only.

_My only love..._

The others told me they'd help me get him off my mind. Another boy would come along, they said, or even a better one. But no one was better then him. No one was better then my Kai.

_All the times I tried, to walk away from you, I fall into your abounding grace and love is where I am..._

_I can't run anymore_

_I give myself to you_

_I'm sorry_

_I'm sorry..._

But, I suppose I never realized that. How beautiful he really was. I knew when he held me I would always be his only and I knew when he kissed me he'd love me forever. And I was right. He told me he'd love me forever, and before he died, I know he still kept his promise. Now, his promise was an eternal one. But I took for granted his hugs and kisses. And I took for granted our times in bed together. I thought he'd never leave me, that we would grow old together and die together. And little did I know I was wrong.

_In all my bitterness_

_I ignored all that's real and true_

_All I need is you_

I stood unsteadily. The fire was too warm, not much to my liking. I crawled sleepily up to my room, but I wasn't planning to sleep. I fell flat onto my bed, my face crashing into the pillow. I sucked in the sweet smell of vanilla. Kai always smelled like vanilla. I felt my eyes well up with tears but I could not force them to fall. I had cried too much already, I had lost too many tears and inside every tear that had fallen laid the hope of Kai coming back. Yet, he did not come back, and it wasn't worth crying anymore. I sat up, and then whole room smelled of vanilla. My stomach felt queasy, my head ached and I felt horribly sick. I wanted to break into tears, to sob until I ran out of tears and until they flowed over the floor and filled the room. When my sea of tears had reached the ceiling, it would have washed away the smell of my lover, and I could just forget.

_When night falls on me_

_I'll not close my eyes_

_I'm too alive_

_And you're too strong_

Everything was a constant reminder of him. Every building we had passed on our daily walks, every white flower that stood in the vase on my beside table, every sweet, gentle smell that somehow still lingered in my room. The picture frame on my bedside table lay face down. Bryan must have done that, or someone trying to help me forget. I reached over a lifted it up. There was Kai staring back at me with those lovely crimson eyes, and I was beside him. His arm was around my shoulder and we were smiling. Smiling. Something I hadn't done in a long time. I put the picture beside me on the bed. He would be with me now, and we would be together.

_I can't lie anymore_

_I fall down before you_

_I'm sorry_

_I'm sorry..._

I rolled over slightly and tucked my hand beneath the mattress. I pulled out a knife that I had been keeping there for weeks now. I was glad no one found it. It was my favorite knife; I had bought it exactly the same day that I met Kai. So the item that reminded me of my lover was about to take my life. Thank you Kai. Thank you so much for leaving me here alone in this world. Thank you for tearing me apart inside, thank you for killing me, and thank you, thank you for ruining my life.

I slid the blade across softly at first, only creating a thin red line. I closed my eyes. I was so close. One quick slash and it would be all over, all this pain. Even the pain of the cut would not measure up to the pain of losing someone close. Never.

_Constantly ignoring_

_Pain consuming me_

_But this time it's cut too deep_

_I'll never stray again..._

I opened my eyes. I looked beside me on the bed at the picture. "I love you, please, wait for me..." I whispered. I shut my eyes hard and slid the blade up with more strength then I ever felt I could possess. I only whimpered slightly at the jolt of pain. My arm became numb now, and I didn't feel it. I put the knife into my left hand, and attempted to pull it across the right, but I could not muster enough strength to cut like the first one. I must have cut my nerves, and my muscles, so my left arm had become useless. I took a deep breath. It would be over soon, maybe within a minute. Maybe less. Time was going too slow though, I wanted it to be over now, and I wanted to end it all. But death wasn't coming fast enough. I still smelled the vanilla in the room, this time the smelled was mixed with the scent of blood.

I opened my eyes. Maybe if I looked at myself, I'd die faster. I cringed as I looked at my arm. It was bleeding heavily, the blood had already soaked my pants, and it made a dark stain on the orange bed covers. It was gushing out blood, and showed no sign of stopping. I looked around my room. Things began to blur, and the light caused me to squint. I took one final gasp of breath, and I knew I'd be my last. I shut my eyes slowly, I knew I was dying, and it was beautiful.

Darkness consumed me. The whole room smelled of vanilla, and I felt weightless, yet my limbs felt heavy. I felt like I was falling but I must have been falling up. Cold air swept against my face, like the chilly whip air meets your sweaty cheeks on the first day of winter. The wind became colder, and my body went from being comfortably numb, to feeling as though I had plunged into a bucket of ice. I wondered if I could open my eyes yet. If I opened them, what would I see? Could I see at all, was I even dead? What was death? Is this all a dream? I sprung my eyes open. Staring back were the most beautiful orbs I ever stared back at. I smiled weakly, but my smile became a giggle, then I began to laugh. He had waited. It was over now, no more worrying. I was here now, and so was he. I collapsed into his arms.

_My only love..._

"It's all right," I heard him whisper; "I'm here now baby, I'm here now Tala. I promise I will never you leave you again. Never."

_Lyrics: October- Evanescence_


End file.
